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Death Humor

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Quotes from Famous Folk

Life is pleasant.

Death is peaceful.

It’s the transition that’s troublesome

Isaac Asimov

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

George Carlin

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Jerry Seinfeld

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill

Suicide would be my way of telling God that I quit.

Tom Kleffman

“He died a modern death, in hospital,……..after medical science had prolonged his life to a point where the terms on which it was being offered were unimpressive.”

Julian Barnes

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Rodney Dangerfield

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Mark Twain

“A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go.”

James Duffecy

I always go to other people's funerals because I want them to come to mine.

Yogi Berra

“Death has something to be said for it:

There’s no need to get out of bed for it;

Where ever you may be,

They bring it to you free.”

Kingsley Amis, ‘Delivery Guaranteed’

A bit more humor

​Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

“Todd, do you know the definition of self-control?”

“It is the undertaker trying to look sad at an $80,000.00 funeral!”

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

When Chemists die, they barium.

When I am bored, I send a text to a random number saying “I hid the body, now what?”

Life: A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death. There is no known cure.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Everybody is somebody else’s wierdo.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself – “Where the hell is the ceiling???”

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.

Just got back from my friend’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

My husband has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all his clothes back.

Dirt cheap: Cemetery sells 2 graves for price of 1 Memorial Park Cemetery on Indianapolis’ far east side is offering plots at the bargain-basement price of two graves for one in a section of its grounds.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Ikkyu, the Zen master, was very clever as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Ikkyu happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Ikkyu asked: “Why do people have to die?” “This is natural,” explained the older man. “Everything has to die and has just so long to live.” Ikkyu, producing the shattered cup, added: “It was time for your cup to die.”