Death Humor
Please send any contributions for Death Humor to us using the contact form. Contributors will get a $50 discount on a Past Life Regression if your contribution is accepted.
Famous Quotes About Death
"Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome."
- Isaac Asimov
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
- Winston Churchill
"I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it."
- George Carlin
"Suicide would be my way of telling God that I quit."
- Tom Kleffman
"According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"He died a modern death, in hospital,...after medical science had prolonged his life to a point where the terms on which it was being offered were unimpressive."
- Julian Barnes
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go."
- James Duffecy
"I always go to other people's funerals because I want them to come to mine."
- Yogi Berra
"Death has something to be said for it:
There’s no need to get out of bed for it;
Where ever you may be,
They bring it to you free."
- Kingsley Amis, ‘Delivery Guaranteed’
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain
"Don’t take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive."
- Elbert Hubbard
Death Jokes & Parables
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
"Todd, do you know the definition of self-control?"
"It is the undertaker trying to look sad at an $80,000.00 funeral!"
When Chemists die, they barium.
When I am bored, I send a text to a random number saying “I hid the body, now what?”
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Life: A sexually transmitted disease which always ends in death. There is no known cure.
'Hey Death – is that a sickle in your hand or are you just glad to see me?'
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling???"
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My husband has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all his clothes back.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "Stop shaking the ladder."
I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandpa did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
Magicians simply disappear.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’
They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses.
Death: A breath-taking experience.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Ikkyu, the Zen master, was very clever as a boy. His teacher had a precious teacup, a rare antique. Ikkyu happened to break this cup and was greatly perplexed. Hearing the footsteps of his teacher, he held the pieces of the cup behind him. When the master appeared, Ikkyu asked: “Why do people have to die?” “This is natural,” explained the older man. “Everything has to die and has just so long to live.” Ikkyu, producing the shattered cup, added: “It was time for your cup to die.”
My doctor gave me two weeks to live…
I hope they're in August.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.
A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
I was taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”
I believe in reincarnation, so I’ve left all my money to myself.
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Dead kings get throne away.
Dog catchers go astray.
When chauffeurs pass, they lose their drive.
Dead ranchers get deranged.
Librarians, they just check out.
When travel agents go they take a permanent vacation,
and dead cartoonists end up in suspended animation.
I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Think about it my friends.
Every single corpse on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Composers simply decompose, while bankers are unchanged.
Shoemakers get the boot.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
It’s said that swimmers have a stroke.
Old cows just kick the bucket, and dead owls don’t give a hoot.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Piece.
A portion of the dark comedy and quick wit featured on this page has been lovingly curated and aggregated from the brilliant minds at Just One Liners.