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Now Even More Death Humor

​"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake.

A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.

5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder”.

I have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.

  When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandpa did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."-Mark Twain

"I was taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”

As Elbert Hubbard famously said, “Don’t take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.”

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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