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More Death Humor

'Hey Death – is that a sickle in your hand or are you just glad to see me?'

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses.

The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Death: A breath-taking experience.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live…

I hope they're in August.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I believe in reincarnation, so I’ve left all my money to myself.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

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